Mississippi Mud

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Mississippi Mud Black and Tan
• Origin: USA (LA)
• Type: Mix

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Very smooth yet I feel like I have sinned while doing it (I don't know why I said this.)
• Color: Coke-like dark
• Density: Exactly like Coke.
• Bottle Appearance: It makes me want to have sex with my sister and do crystal meth. It also makes me feel like the deputy of a small town with a population of 50 and a tooth count of 16.
• Opinion:
  

  Very good and smooth beer; it definitely was a shocker.

• Recommended for:
  

  Someone who wants an excuse to beat their wife or make a move on a family member
  OR if you want to suprise the shit out of your friends with a good beer in a
  very odd bottle.

Final Score: 8.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Strong, smooth, transparent taste.
• Color: Like old motor oil.
• Density: Thick
• Bottle Appearance: Cool ass mini-jug that was more than likely used to hold chemicals used to make crystal meth.
• Opinion:
  

  A cool refreshing dark beer, it was not at all what I expected. Initially, I
  thought my teeth would fall out and scream out "GIT 'ER DONE" while touching my
  cousin inappropriately. However, I'm still not sure if the methamphetamines will
  cause me to have hallucinations later. It's cheap, comes in a quart and will
  fuck you up. Nothing wrong with this one.

• Recommended for:
  

  White supremacists, Rascal Flatts, Uncle Kracker, Uncle Ben, Confederates.

Final Score: 8.0

CHICK'S PICK:

7

THE VERDICT:

This is a cool ass buy; a good beer with a bad-ass bottle that will probably impregnate your sister. This kick-ass beer is definitely something you want to have in deep supply in your fridge, car, locker, anus, etc. As Hispanics, we're not sure if we're still allowed to taste this beer. GIT 'ER DONEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Warsteiner Dunkel

GENERAL INFORMATION

Name: Warsteiner Dunkel Pilsner
Origin: Germany
Type: Pilsner

REVIEWS
TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A slap to the face, talk about underestimating. Great solid taste. The only negative is the cardboard box aftertaste.
• Color: Patrick Ewing's sweat after the 4th quarter (pretty dark).
• Density: Pretty dense.
  Bottle Appearance: Shit, the bottle resembles an imported steak sauce bottle. Pretty much looks like anything but a beer.
• Opinion:

This is a good tasting beer for any drinking situation. It is also good to give
those old worn out boxes their cardboard smell back.

• Recommended for:

A person who can appreciate a good dark beer.

Final Score: 7.0

TheSickness:

• Taste: Curiously flavorful.
• Color: Dark, Dr. Pepper-look.
• Density: Medium.
• Bottle Appearance: While the name sounds like a German tank, this bottle looks grim. The brown circle on the front looks like Hitler's anus. Also, an inscription on the bottle mentions something about invading Poland.
• Opinion:

It has a nice balance of roasted vs. hoppy taste; it is really smooth going down. The
bottle however, did not catch my attention at all. However, as a bonus, it
also provides for some quality burps. It poses a challenge to the taste buds.

Recommended for:

Dark beer enthusiasts and those curious about dark beers, as well as the
destroyers of the Berlin wall.

Final Score: 7.0

CHICK'S PICK
5.0

THE VERDICT
A suprisingly good dark beer that is sure to get fans. However, the bottle looks as interesting as Stephen Hawking eating dinner. As TheBraveLittleToaster initially said, "If you were window shopping for beer, this one would steer you away from the store; but don't be fooled it's very good."

The Introduction

Welcome ladies and... more ladies(?) to Beer Reviews MIA, where we save your liver the hassle

of trying out different beer before deciding which one is right for you. We are not experts, were not born in a brewery, and have no communication with Jesus. All we offer are unbiased reviews of one of the greatest inventions of all time; beer. 

Now, the breakdown of each post:

I. General Information

Each post will highlight a beer, including a picture and brief, general description based on "Name", "Origin" (Where it's from, kids) and "Type" (Ale, Lager, etc). 

II. Reviews

The genius of  the post, it contains information such as "Taste", "Color", "Density", and "Appearance", followed by our opinion, who we recommend it for, and a rating based on a 10-point scale. Like an organized, comprehensive piece of writing, each section is outlined below.

"Taste", "Color", "Density" and "Appearance" are all vague, ambiguous categories on purpose. We basically fill these in with our first impression, however ridiculous or absurd it may be (trust me, they WILL be ridiculous and absurd). Our opinion section is written as we drink the beer, as we have high-tech, state-of-the-art, ultra-modern notepads and pencils that we use to scribble notes. We scientifically analyze each sample, considering smell, smoothness, consistency and other bullshit scientific adjectives I can't bother to remember.

The rating scale is ranged from 1-10, with decimals allowed. What does this mean for you? Read on, fucker.

1-3 = A beer you should avoid. The lower the rating in this range, the more likely your organs are to explode. 

4-6 = A beer you'd buy if there is nothing else available, or if you wish to seem normal. A beer rated in this range won't set your balls on fire, but won't make you spontaneously ejaculate, either.

7-9 = This is one good motherfucking beer. This is the type of shit you go out of your way to buy, even if it means drastic action (punching nuns, denouncing your family, etc). This beer should only be enjoyed with loved ones and shall not be wasted by any means, as Jesus will cry. 

As you may have noticed, there is no explanation for a rating of '10', this is because a beer rated a 10 is inexplicable; holy, at best. You may have noticed that the descriptions and rating scale can also apply to women (I just noticed now, too). Which leads me to...

III. Chick's Pick

Used mainly as a mechanism to get chicks drunk, we ask a random female to try the subject beer and give it a rating, based on whatever the hell she wants. We're all for equality, and females should have an opinion too (Legal disclaimer). 

IV. The Verdict

The Final Word on the beer, considering all opinions and factors. This is what you should remember, the next time you're faced with a beer-selection crisis. 

That's all, people. Your comments and suggestions are welcome in the comment sections (as well as pictures, from our pretty female readers). 

Guinness Extra Stout

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Guinness Extra Stout
• Origin: Ireland
• Type: Stout Beer

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Strong
• Color: Dark, black, coffee-like
• Density: Medium
• Bottle Appearance: Inviting
• Opinion:

This is the type of beer you'd drink if you're the designated
driver because you don't want to overdo it. A real bonus on St. Patrick's day.

• Recommended for:

The Irish.

Final Score: 4.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Strong first taste
• Color: Dark
• Density: Medium
• Bottle Appearance: Brown exterior with white accents; like Barack Obama
• Opinion:

This is a very concentrated beer with a strong, roasted flavor. It leaves a
tangy, bitter aftertaste comparable to coffee. This would go good with a heavy
dinner to make a good impression on a partner. Definitely something you don't
want to chug (unless you hate your liver).

• Recommended for:

The first date (rape)?

Final Score: 5.0

CHICK'S PICK

4.0

THE VERDICT

A strong beer with a distinct flavor, it is definitely not for the weak of heart (or small of penis).