New Castle

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: New Castle Brown Ale
• Origin: UK
• Type: Ale

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Tastes like Heiniken's retarded sister
• Color: Mud-butt water
• Density: Very dense
• Bottle Appearance: Cheap-looking
• Opinion:
  

  Holy shit it's as if this beer had angry sex with a heineken and they had a
  beautiful athletic daughter that can whoop your ass if you disrespect her.
  It's a good brew with a strong taste that immediatly disappears at the end of
  the gulp. Will catch your heart if you give it a chance, like
  Rosy O'Donnell.

• Recommended for:
  
  

  Hercules. Or if you have to fuck a fat chick.

Final Score: 7.7

TheSickness:

• Taste: Smooth and tasteful
• Color: Dark brown
• Density: Medium to heavy
• Bottle Appearance: Like any cocky person, the bottle brags about how amazing it is and tells you random shit you don't care about.
• Opinion:
  
  

  Inscribed on the bottle are the words "The one and only", as most cocky people
  with their nose in the air, they don't realize their shit stinks, 'cause damn...
  This beer smells like a mixture of oregano and smelly feet. It tastes like a
  shitload of crushed plants bottled in rat poison. However, it is smooth to take
  down, if your taste buds aren't incinerated in the process. There's hardly any
  aftertaste (mostly because you have no tasting ability afterwards).

• Recommended for:
  
  

  Practical jokes, to make people think you've given them poison.

Final Score: 7.1

CHICK'S PICK:
4

THE VERDICT:
We're a little confused on this one. Not quite sure when it would be an ideal time to drink it. It's strong and smells awful, but it actually taste good. Although we haven't had it as a draft, we're confident that it would taste better than in a bottle. We figure that this beer is best for people with no olfactory function.

Special Contest!

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

While we are a somewhat new blog, we've been getting a steady stream of new readers. We're planning big things, and would like your help and creativity (assuming you have something worthwhile to offer). Our first order of business: a cool, somewhat professional catch phrase for our blog. This catch phrase will go on our business cards, as we try to expand our control on the blogosphere. So, to make this interesting we've made this a sort of competition. Here's how it works:

We will select the top three catch phrases.

• 3rd Place will win a stuffed teddy bear from November, 1986.
• 2nd Place will win an old shoe that we will personally steal from a homeless person.
• 1st Place will get to review a beer with us and get to be famous for a day. We will also allow you to buy us random shit and pay for our drinks at a bar of our choosing.

I've included a list of some of the stuff we've thought of, to help get you some ideas.

EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO THINK OF:

"Don't stop 'til you get enough (and then get some more)"

"Supporting domestic violence since 1988"

"... What happened?"

"Doing it for the children since 1988"

"The only thing more American than baseball and apple pie"

"WARNING: May cause anal leakage"

"Two in the pink, one in the stink"

"Reviews so good you'll wanna kick yo momma"

"Brews. News. Reviews."

"Now only 37% saturated fat!"

"Hops+Stops+Cops= DUI"

"BrewReviews for the whole family"

"Touching more lives than Catholic Priests"

Your suggestions are welcome in the comments or at my email, thesickness65@yahoo.com.

Redhook ESB

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Redhook ESB
• Origin: USA (NH)
• Type: Ale

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A bitter pleasant flavor that disappears after you swallow (hehe... swallow). Its coparable to toasted almonds or burnt incense
• Color: A gold amber color; the bubbles sit in perfect harmony afloat the top of the head (hehe... head...). Almost a light Bronze color (third place sucks but I would take this Bronze trophy beer any day at any time)
• Density: Semi-dense, like home made iced tea
• Bottle Appearance: A bad mix of non-eye-catching colors. The monkey shit yellow and menstrual red may turn you away but don't be fooled.
• Opinion:
  

  A good bitter beer with a curiously interesting taste. I'm serious: try this beer. Stop fucking reading and go buy the beer now before the world ends and family guy starts on Comedy Central.

• Recommended for:

Those who are bitter beer enthusiasts or had a previous bad experience with a
bitter beer and you want to witness the rebirth of bitter beers or
the second coming of Christ (hehe... coming).

• Final Score: 8.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Tasty, but slightly bitter
• Color: Like a beautiful blonde maiden
• Density: Sort-of thick
• Bottle Appearance: Pleasing, non-offensive colors with good use of adjectives "Liquid Goodness"
• Opinion:
  
  

  A good refreshing beer that has a distinct bitterness that leaves you
  questioning your reality. After a few sips, you start to ease into it. The more
  you get into it, the more it becomes enjoyable, until, finally, you reach your
  climax, much like anal sex. After you're done, there is an awkward silence and
  uncomfortable small talk. You then say to yourself that you will never try
  this again... but you know that you will.

• Recommended for:
  
  

  One night stands, people who want to enjoy a tasty ale.

• Final Score: 8.2
  

CHICK'S PICK:
6

THE VERDICT:

This beer is definitely an experience, one that you will undoubtedly question the morning after. It is a good beer, and it's sure to gain fans. It's your guilty pleasure, and we wouldn't have it any other way.