Random Shit - "What Should I Drink?"

Sick ass flow chart that should help you decide what beer to drink. Use it judiciously.

[Click on the image to zoom in]

Via sloshspot.com & eatingtheroad.wordpress.com

Beer Science

ANNOUNCING OUR NEWEST SEGMENT:

BEER SCIENCE

That's right folks, here at BRMIA, we value our Harvard Doctorate degrees in our respective fields (TBLT = Biology TS = Gynecology). Therefore, we are taking a scientific approach to some of our brew endeavors. Essentially, we will be applying the scientific method to a particular situation, dictated by our beer curiosity. For those readers who failed 7th grade science, we will explain the basic steps:

1) Problem Statement (Question) - Here we pose a question that will best be answered through experimentation and dissected through objective analysis (read: Drinking the damn beer).

2) Hypothesis - Our predicted outcome.

3) Testing - This will be interesting, as we decide which method would yield the best possible results.

4) Analysis - We discuss the results and critically discern something meaningful from the data.

5) Results - ... Yeah, pretty much self-explanatory.

As always, you're welcome to help think of some experiments we can conduct. Simply e-mail us at thebravelittletoaster23@gmail.com or thesickness65@yahoo.com.

Peace and keep those beakers clean. Come back soon for the first post of the segment!!!!

Brew Toolz: Sam Adams Glass

Break Out the New Glasses

(No, not literally. Don't break them, they're expensive.)

When Founder and brewer of Samuel Adams Jim Koch announced the creation of a special glass that enhances the beer drinking experience it took the world of beer by surprise, and the world welcomed it with open arms. Jim Koch teamed up with Tiax, the world-renowned sensory experts to create a glass that offers beer lovers a full sensory drinking experience. At BrewreviewsMIA, reading about this new utensil of glory was not enough, we went out and got some of these new glasses for our own. TheBraveLittleToaster - " I love this glass, no longer will my beer have to conform to the usual mug or random Pilsner glass." This glass truly bring out the best of the worlds most popular (Alcoholic) beverage, Beer." TheSickness believes "The unique shape allows for a smooth pour and an even smoother drink. I will admit, I was a bit skeptical at first. Does a glass really make that much of a difference? Let's just say it's my new favorite vehicle of liquid consumption. Go out and try it."

(Click on image to enlarge)

"It’s been a personal passion of mine to develop a beer glass that elevates the craft beer drinking experience" - Jim Koch, Founder and brewer of Samuel Adams




This glass was specifically designed to enhance the beer drinking experience, while enjoying just about any brew, but it was originally made for Samuel Adams' most popular brew the Boston Lager. So we did just that. You can read the review below.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Samuel Adams Boston Lager
• Origin: Boston, MA
• Type: Lager
• Alcohol per Volume: 4.75%
• Website: http://www.samueladams.com/
  
  

Reviews

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: This beer has a mild first impression, that slowly turns into a pleasant full flavored lager. The taste is not overbearing, nor overpowering; its balance is just right. What I love must of about this beer is the fact it has a strong enough taste to distinguish itself from the rest of the Lagers but it does not overwhelm you. The perfect brew to go with a medium to full flavored cigar. Cigar One on One with TBLT: Brews/drinks and Cigars must be paired alike, Full flavored cigars or cigars with a strong taste should go with stronger tasting beers or drinks, such as this great brew. Mild cigars or lighter tasting cigars should go with lighter beers or drinks. Keeping this in mind will prevent your cigar from overpowering your beer or vice versa, and ensure you a pleasant experience.
• Color: Golden murky yellow

• Bottle Appearance: This beer has a very patriotic and mature look to it. The colors blue and silver go very well together on this bottle. Nothing from the bottle appearance jumps out and smacks you in the face, it just looks plain but not in a bad way necessary. You can say the bottle appearance under promises and once you take your first sip it over delivers.
• Density: Light to medium.
• Opinion: It's no surprise why this is Samuel Adams most popular brew; it has a full rich flavor you have to try for yourself. Granted, we did have this beer in our own set of Samuel Adams glasses but I think that had little to do with my love affair for this beer. The only negative thing I noticed about this Lager is the full feeling it leaves behind followed by a few burps.
• Recommended for: Christopher Columbus, the Boston Celtics, and the Red Sox; as well as anyone who is looking for a drink companion to their next medium to full cigar, or a very flavorful beer.

Final Score: 8.1

TheSickness:

• Taste: Soft, cooling taste. It has a slight hint of hops.
• Color: Light yellow.
• Density: Very very light.
• Bottle: Complex, sophisticated color scheme. Mr. Adams couldn't of done a better job himself.
• Opinion: Wow. I never expect much from big-name commercial breweries but this brew is something else. The taste and drink is so smooth it can only be compared to as being "soft". Maybe Sam Adams was a pianist or a painter, because this beer was delicately crafted. For a lager, it was very tasty. However, it will probably take 80 of these to make that chunky chick look decent.
• Recommended for: The refined, artsy, and classy; for people who want to enjoy a smooth beer, but not for much else (such as beer games.)

Final Score: 8.0

CHICKS PICK

5

THE VERDICT:

This one is a winner, folks. We both gave it solid ratings. As TBLT, our cigar aficionado mentioned, it would go great with a medium to full cigar. Not much of a cigar person? This beer would also go good with a double homicide. This beer is to kill for.

TS's Mailbag and Man Laws

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to TS's Mailbag & Manlaws. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. If we didn't get to post your email, don't be disappointed. Keep writing in and we will get to you.

AAAANND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...

"Name: [Ben]@yahoo.com

Favorite Beer: Corona light"

Man, what a start. Corona light? I wonder where this is going...

"Dear BrewReviewsMIA,

Although I'm not really a beer drinker, the beer that I do like happens to be a light beer..."

That's cool. Some people like their salads tossed. To each his/her/it 's own.

"... Whenever I'm with my friends at a bar, they tease me about it..."

What horrible people. Just kidding. They're good friends.

"...Anyway, I just wanted to know what kind of beer should I try that is 'Manly' but doesn't taste too strong. Any suggestions?"

Yes. You've come to the right place, my dear friend. Whenever you order a beer amongst other people, it is a declaration of your personality and ultimately, your self worth. You order cheap, plain, common beer, you will likely be considered cheap, plain, or ordinary. You want your selection to suprise the shit out of your companions, impregnante your female waitress, and cause the bartender to spontaneously combust. However, I understand that most establishments will have a limited selection of beer. I would suggest you order yourself a Sam Adams Boston Lager, which is a pretty reputable beer that is manly and doesn't taste too strong. What man wouldn't respect Sam Adams? Dude prints his pictures on his bottles and dresses colonial and shit. He probably hung out with George Washington, who was Chuck Norris before Chuck Norris (see what I mean below.)



Accordingly, we will post our review of said beer soon so you can get an idea of what to expect.

"Thanks, [Ben]"

You're very welcome. Let me know how it goes, skipper. NEXT!

"Name: [Gerald]@gmail.com

Favorite Beer: Stella Artois

What's up guys,

Love the site, you guys are hilarious."

Thanks, Gerald. I'll make sure to tell our indonesian child laborers who write our jokes that you appreciate them.

"Wanted to recommend you guys review Stella Artois, which is my favorite beer of all time. Despite its negative image in Europe, it is a really good beer."

Awesome. We need more readers like this. We've marked it as a priority on our 'to-do' list.

"On to my Man Law question. What's the proper protocol about buying a guy a beer without it being seen as gay?"

First and foremost, I'd like to point out that we do not discriminate anyone, regardless of race, sexual preference or social standing. We're all equally vulnerable to death by rabid spider monkeys at any given moment.

That being said... It's all about context. You can't call a guy 'cutie pie' and then offer to buy him a beer without appearing gay. If a man does something that merits the purchase a beer, then don't sweat it. It's easy; I'll use myself as an example:

TS: "Yo, you want a beer?"

TBLT: "Yeah, cool."

TS: "Aight."

- A few seconds pass -

TS: "...I love you."

See? No sweat.

AND THAT ABOUT DOES IT. It was as harmless and painless as a root canal. Keep on reading and keep those questions coming. Until next time, happy drinking.

Gulden Draak

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Gulden Draak
• Origin: Belgium
• Type: Triple brewed ale a/k/a "barley wine"
• Website: http://www.globalbeer.com/
• Alcohol per Volume: 10.5%

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Off the bat you can tell it's not a beer for lightweights. This beer packs a mean punch. It has a strong first, middle and aftertaste. It is bitter and has the aroma of wine and cider. This is not something you want to fuck with.
• Color: Dark, maple-like.
• Bottle Appearance: Nice, unique white bottle with a golden dragon. It pushes your curiosity to the limit.
• Density: Not too dense, surprisingly.
• Opinion: Well, I can't deny that I enjoyed it, but it did not excite me sexually like I
  thought it would. Would I sell my soul for another sip? What soul?
• Recommended For: Curious people, wine enthusiasts, the rich and famous.

Final Score: 6.7

TheSickness:

• Taste: Spicy, smooth and creamy; it has a lot of alcohol.
• Color: Maple color, like church pews.
• Bottle Appearance: Royal white color is truly unique and eye-catching. I felt like royalty opening this beer; either that or like if I were in a rap video, poppin' bottles /throws up gang sign.
• Opinion: This beer is crazy. It is smooth, tasty yet powerful. It comes in a unique
  bottle and has plenty of notable features. This is the Johnny Depp of beer;
  complex, amazing, but ultimately fucking nuts. It will mess you up without you
  noticing, like a crazy ninja-beer or any auto mechanic you've ever met.
• Recommended for: Trial attorneys, the silver and bronze dragons, Eddie Murphy, Ted Kennedy
  (R.I.P.)

Final Score: 8.6

CHICK'S PICK
5

THE VERDICT:

We differed much on this beer, but both of us could agree it was something unique that tasted good. It is ridiculously strong and creeps up on you like hard liquor. Use caution when drinking this beer, or the golden dragon will show itself in an unexpected form as you hurl into the toilet.

TS Presents: Mailbag and Man Laws

As you can see, we are slowly progressing and adding new sections and specials to our site, including "TBLT Goes to Mars, (and by Mars, I mean Microbreweries)" which I'm sure is not the shortest segment title, but it works out quite nice. Here at BrewReviewsMIA, we are dedicated to you, the reader (and your hot ass sister). In an attempt to really get to know you, I present to you our newest piece, "TheSickness Presents: Mailbag & Man Laws". It essentially functions like this- 1) You read our site 2) Laugh and hail our comedic genius 3) You question everything beer & Man related 4) You email us If your inquiry is creative enough, we will post it (removing your information, unless specified), and include our hilarious yet informative reply. HERE IS THE CATCH- Your e-mail, if you want to be considered seriously, must have: 1) Your favorite beer 2) A question or comment about beer and/or 3) A question about Man Laws We are committed to not only making you a more informed beer enthusiast, but a better man as well (that includes the ladies, too.) As a prominent figure in the Society of Man, I wish to help clarify the strict code of ethics all men abide by that has been instilled in us since our days as sperm. SOME EXAMPLES: "Name: BeerDrinker1 Favorite Beer: Shock Top Dear BRMIA: BEER- I'm a big fan of wheat beer but I don't know many other ones. Which ones can you recommend? MAN LAWS- Is it acceptable to puke in front of your girlfriend after binge drinking? Thanks, BD1" Our hilarious answer would follow and you will become a better person because of it. Guaranteed. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HOT MAILBAG ACTION?! EMAIL YOUR QUERIES OR COMMENTS TO: TheSickness65@yahoo.com Thanks.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars, (By Mars, I mean Microbreweries) Part 2 of 2

TITANIC BREWERY

Part 2 of 2

The second beer to stand trial: Boiler Room Nut Brown Ale (TS choice)

The Review

(Reminder TBLT = TheBraveLittleToaster and TS = TheSickness)

1st Question - If this beer could talk, what would it tell you?

TBLT = "Drink me. I can make a fat chick hot in a couple of chugs."
TS = Nothing. It's quiet and shy and waits for you to approach it.

2nd Question - Besides drinking, what else would you use it for?

TS = Rectal exams and lava lamps.
TBLT = Lubricant and maple syrup.

3rd Question - (After Tasting) First thoughts upon tasting it?

TBLT = "MMMMM...Toasty."
TS = "Honey Nut Cheerios" (It was random.)

4th Question - If you stuck your *expletive* in it, how would it feel?

TS = How big is the keg?
TBLT = Warm like a hug from Smokey the Bear.

5th Question - What kind of nut do you think was used for this beer?

TBLT = Hazel nut, righteous German nut and pecans... lots and lots of pecans.
TS = Human.

6th Question - Can you chug this beer?

TS = For this one, I plead the fifth.
TBLT = Yes I can. It would be my pleasure.

7th Question - If this beer were a famous actor or actress, which would it be and why?

TBLT = Demi Moore because she is an attractive butch bitch.
TS = Halle Berry. Not too dark, complex and delightful.

FINAL THOUGHTS

TheSickness:

A good beer from a microbrewery that I wish were mass produced. People, try this beer. It won more medals than Michael Phelps without the aid of marijuana.

Overall Rating from TS = 7.0

TheBraveLittleToaster:

A toasty, bitter, pleasant beer. Definitely a must have if you happen to stop here. It won a well-deserved award.

Overall Rating from TBLT = 7.0

Overall Total Experience

This place rocks. From the moment you open the double doors, the music from local bands welcomes you in. You take a seat, you open their menu and you find a great entree for just about any type of taste. The great in-house brewed beers pique your curiosity to the limit. The only reason you don't (or at least, TBLT didn't) is due to the fear that you will shit your pants.

Mean of Final Scores : 7.5

Happy 500th Site View!!!

HAPPY 500TH PAGE VIEW!!!!

From: BrewreviewsMIA

To: Our Fans

THANK YOU!!!!!

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars, (By Mars, I mean Microbreweries) Part 1 of 2

Judgement Day is Here for the Titanic Brewery

Titanic Brewery Facts

• Open since 1995
• Located at 5813 Ponce De Leon Blvd Coral Gables, FL

The Full Review Experience had 3 steps

1. Selecting a beer to review

This step may seem easy, but it was far from it. With six beers to explore we decided it would be better if we each pick one beer to review and we both review the other's choice. How the hell did we pick our beer? We then looked at the menu and found the answer. We ordered the Titanic Porthole sampler, which is a platter that allowed us to sample each of the beers. Now because men are all about competition (real men, that is) we had a hard time deciding who picked first. So we did what our four fathers did to settle disputes or what the jury did to decided if OJ was innocent or guilty. Paper. Rock. Scissors.

There were 3 rounds of paper rock scissors and the winner was: The Brave Little Toaster winning 2 out of 3 rounds. After tasting all the different brews, we had to vote off the beers one by one like in Survivor. With all that said and done our choices came down to:

• The Brave Little Toaster (a/k/a TBLT) picks Shipbuilders Oatmeal Stout.
  
• The Sickness (a/k/a TS) picks Boiler Room Nut Brown Ale.
  

2. Dinner.

Man was the food great. We both had steaks and they had more meat on them then Nicole Ritchie, (which really isn't saying much but you get where we're headed with this). The sides, the entrees, and even the water was amazing.

3. The Trial (Review)

First beer to stand Trial: Shipbuilder's Oatmeal Stout. (TBLT choice)

Note: The style of this review will be less formal, but just as great. Each beer will have 7 random ass questions asked about them (oh, and they will be random). We each took turns asking the questions.

The Review

Reminder TBLT = The Brave Little Toaster and TS = The Sickness

1st Question - What do you see? (Asked by TBLT based strictly on looks)

TS = The father of Guinness

TBLT = Nothing its (The beer) to dark to see anything in the glass or through it

2nd Question - What does it remind you of, look wise?(Asked by TS based strictly on looks)

TBLT = My last overdue oil change

TS = "The Souls of Black Folks" by W.E.B Dubois

3rd Question - First Sip; do you regret it? (Asked by TBLT based on taste)

TS = No, but a few more and I'm sure I will

TBLT = No, but remember curiosity killed the cat .


4th Question - What's the taste comparable to? (Asked by TS based on taste)

TBLT - Half a melted Hershey's dark chocolate bar with a lot of coffee beans.

TS - Straight up coffee and nuts. (No Homo).

TBLT - Alright, before you answer the next question, I need you to REALLY THINK about your answer.

TS - Okay.

5th Question - Can you chug this beer? (Asked by TBLT based on taste)

TS - Yes, but it would be my last drink as my liver will implode and my tongue will melt.

TBLT - Yes I can my pleasure. Waiter!

/TBLT ordered 2 pints of Shipbuilder's Oatmeal Stout

/While waiting ......

6th Question - If this beer was a sexual position which would it be? (Asked by TS based on random shit)

TBLT - Doggy

TS - Anal (Any Position)

/Drinks arrive

TS: Oh shit... Are we really going to chug this?

TBLT: Yes. I told you to really think about your answer. I warned you.

TheSickness reaction - ":-\"

TheBraveLittleToaster reaction - "You gotta do what you gotta do, son"

/Chug.

After finishing at the same time, TBLT asked:

7th Question - First thought after chug?

TS: Man, this is why there is an age restriction on beer.

TBLT: /Burp.

FINAL THOUGHTS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

Deep hints of chocolate and roasted coffee beans. For a microbrewed beer, it's not bad at all. It has an acquired taste to it like celery or asparagus.

Overall rating from TBLT = 6.5

TheSickness:

Fuck. This shit is strong but curiously tasty; it's the altoids of beer. I said my prayers and survived. Children, do not drink this beer. DUI, here I come!

Overall rating from TS = 6.8

(Random ass picture of the brewery)

STAY TUNED FOR PART II....

Q & A With a Special Guest....

Q & A with a Special Guest...

Topic: Microbreweries

Due to our uncontrollable excitement to visit the Titanic Brewery, we decided to write a small question and answer segment to help you understand the ins and outs of a microbrewery. Luckily for you, we have a former president who will be asking the questions. I give you, Mr. George Walker Bush. Ask away, Mr. Bush.

Q:

"What the Fuck is a Microbrewery? Is that the shit aliens shoved in Cartman's ass in South Park?"

A:

That's a good question, Mr. Bush. A microbrewery or a craft brewery is a brewery that produces a limited amount of beer.To answer your second question, no, it has nothing to do with Cartman's anus or with aliens. What was stuck in his fat ass was an anal probe.

Q:

"Just how much beer are we talking about? What's the limit?"

A:

Another brilliant question Mr. Bush, now don't strain your brain with all that thinking. Here take a seat and do absolutely nothing (Like you did as President.) Let us do all the work.

In order to be classified as a microbrewery a brewery must produce less then a limit that is set by the region and authorities where the brewery is located. However the average max limit is 15,000 barrels of beer a year, which is basically 475,000 gallons of beer a year.

That face says it all. Now while Mr. Bush reflects on his childhood and how he fucked America over, let us explore the great unsinkable Titanic Brewery.

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars, (By Mars, I mean Microbreweries)

Coming Soon --- Brew ReviewsMIA hits the roads of the sexiest city on earth, Miami. We take a closer look at the beers local microbreweries have to offer. Remember, it's not always about the quantity it's more about the quality, and small batch beer companies concentrate mostly on quality.

This month we check out the brews at the Titanic Brewery in Coral Gables, FL. Will their beers pass the test? Or will they sink like the Titanic? Look out Titanic Brewery, here come the select and trained palates of TheBraveLittleToaster and TheSickness; and this time there is no Jack to hold your hand and save the day. Check it out after you read the review, so then you can decide whether to drive, fly, take a bus, a bike, a walk, jog, run, or swim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8ZC9d1FmS4

George Killians Irish Red

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: George Killian's Irish Red
• Origin: USA (With an old Irish recipe)
• Type: Premium Lager
  

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Smooth, smooth, smooth. This is definitely one cool beer. It has a rich taste that is not overbearing but it's not watered down, either. This beer is a smooth swallow, like a gel caplet, and before you know the beer is all gone like your virginity after prom
• Color: A HOT RED HEAD (WITH A FUCKED UP CAPS LOCK KEY.)
• Bottle Appearance: A smart mature-looking beer bottle. Great eye catching long neck bottle.
• Density: Not too dense; it's just right
• Opinion:

  Hell yes, this is a great brew. A strong mature taste that is easy to take
  down. This is certainly a beer you have go out there and try for yourself.
  Like
  when your best friends tells you to lick a girls ass hole for the first
  time,
  you just gotta try it.*

*TheBraveLittleToaster recommends this procedure to be done during or right
after a shower for best results.

• Recommended For:

  Everyone, no matter the age. Kids, steal mommy's hard earned cash and go out
  there and get this beer, but whatever you do, don't drink and drive, you
  just might spill this amazing lager and then be condemned to hell without
  parole.

Final Score: 9.0

TheSickness:

• Taste: Smooth, lightly roasted taste.
• Color: The distinct reddish color is distinguishable even when poured draft. It's like that one hot Irish chick you banged back in college who you happen to see at a bar and recognize her by hair color alone.... that whore.
• Density: Medium
• Bottle: It is has a long, sophisticated shape, with what looks like either a chess piece or Mr. Ed as the logo. I was not aware horses enjoyed beer.
• Opinion:

  This smooth lager almost looks like a wine, with its reddish tint. It's
  extremely refreshing and easy to drink. Be warned, however, it is stronger
  than
  it tastes and your liver will feel the impact. A smaller ratio of hops
  reduces
  the bittery aftertaste to almost nothing. Nothing says you are a
  tasteful person
  like a redhead beer and some fucking horses. (The 'fucking
  horses' was thrown in
  there for emphasis on horses and manliess, not on
  'horse fucking' per se. Just
  clarifying).

• Recommended for:

  A night out with the boys, for when you want to seem sophisticated, despite your
  inherent inability to spell sophisticated after drinking a few of these. That or
  if you want to fuck a horse, I guess?

Final Score: 9.3

CHICK'S PICK

8

THE VERDICT:

Smooth. Clean. Amazing. Like recently shaved genitalia, this beer is nothing short of enticing. The robust flavor mix, unlike most other lagers that are often overbearing, manages to stay cool and refreshing. All reviewers gave it a strong rating. It can mess you up and also cool you down. Guys, order one for your friends who claim you have questionable beer choices; you will gain respect.

Hook and Ladder Golden Ale

GENERAL INFORMATION






• Name: Hook and Ladder Golden Ale
• Origin: USA (NY)
• Type: Ale

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A very crisp, golden refreshing brew that quenches even the deepest thirst. It's a smooth and easy swallow with a spicy after note. I like to consider this the Gatorade of beers, because it beats the shit out of your thirst, a beating only surpassed by the one Chris Brown put on Rihanna.
• Color: Deep gold with a light copper hint
• Bottle Apperance: Not an amazing bottle apperance. I like to think they put all their effort on what's inside and not what's on the outside, sort of like what God does when he creates ugly chicks. Still, because it's for a great cause and the beer rocks, I forgive the shitty non-creative "let-your-4-year-old-adopted-son-with-social-anxiety-disorder-choose-the-beer-bottle-apperance" look. So played out.
• Density: Light to Medium.
• Opinion:
  

  This is a great grown up beer. Kids, go to sleep early, daddy's drinking and he
  just might hit mommy*. This brew has a great balance of hops and barley that
  satifies your insides. *TheBraveLittleToaster does not condone domestic
  violence; please keep in mind if you drink, don't beat (unless it's your
  dick)**. **Not valid in Texas.

• Recommended For:

  Big Boys, fanatics of a full tasting beer, people stuck in traffic, people
  whose air conditioning has broken. Also, marathon runners, mechanics, pilots
  of
  South West airlines and alcholics that need a reason to get back in the
  game.
  (Keep in mind that for every barrel of beer sold, Hook and Ladder
  donates money
  to a local fire house).

Final Score: 9.3

TheSickness:

• Taste: Cool, rich, refreshing taste. Like a thousand celestial angels urinating into my mouth at once, damning my thirst to hell.
• Color: Rich amber color, like rich grains of freedom.
• Bottle Appearance: Aesthetically pleasing, it is almost as if the bottle is a mini-fireman, but instead of putting out fires, it puts out dehydration. If a fire were to break out as I drank this beer, I would feel safe. IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTE: Flammability tests have yet to be conducted, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO POUR THIS ON YOURSELF AND LIGHT YOURSELF ON FIRE, YOU MIGHT HARM THE BEER.
• Opinion:
  

  An AMAZING refreshing beer, this beer shall now replace all fire extinguishers
  at my job. It is not overwhelming on the palate, but rather a balanced mix that
  made me fall in love with ales all over again. Plus, it's for a good cause. This
  beer did everything right; it is my new favorite beer. Not much else to write
  here, I thoroughly enjoyed every drop. TheSickness + Hook & Ladder Golden
  Ale = <3.

• Recommended for:

Everyone and the Pope... especially the Pope. Even the dead ones. I LOVE THIS
BEER!

Final Score: 9.3

CHICK'S PICK

7

THE VERDICT:

As beer reviewers with distinct likes and opinions on what a good beer truly consists of, we were surprised when we both decided on it being a 9.3, which is a very high rating for either of us. The special review lady also gave it a high score, which is also noteworthy for an ale. If you are not ordering one while reading this, you have failed as an individual and human being. Go out and buy this beer, and when you do, make sure to send a few bottles our way; don't be a hog, you greedy bastard.

Miller Chill

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Miller Chill
• Origin: USA
• Type: Light beer ("Chelada" style)

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A very disappointing beer brought to you by a great American Company (the pain this beer brought to my soul, I will never be the same). Miller Chill is a crappy beer with a repulsing taste that makes me want the prohibition years to come back and save me from drinking this crap. Its a watered down, tangy piece of poop. It's a salty, fruity tasting beer that overwhelms your palate in a very bad way.
• Color: It has a very suspicious resemblance to urine; I'm actually almost positive its urine with rotten lime.
• Bottle Apperance: Eye catching bright green. The fact that Miller Lite has put their name on this shit makes me wonder why Steve Mcnair cheated on his wife. I'm sure Miller Lite managed to have more first time buyers of this beer and way less second time consumers then any other beer (If you can call this shit beer). I actually just sealed an envelope containg a notorized petition to President Obama to remove this beer from shelves around the country.
• Density: Not Very dense at all
• Opinion:
  

  There is nothing CHILL about this beer. If my friends buy this beer and come
  over to chill, I will stick my size 10 1/2 shoe in each of their asses.
  If it is more than two friends, I will surgically attach extra feet on
  myself to accomodate them. Yes, it is that forbidden in my house. This beer
  makes me wonder why bad things happen to good companies.

• Recommened for:
  

  For Chicks with Dicks, Dudes with Clits. I also recommend it for water polo
  teams and the fuckin' french. On a serious note for people that don't like a
  beer with a beer taste (if that makes sense). Save the embarrasment, drink a
  Smirnoff Ice, you fruit cake.

Final Score: 4.2 (And I was nice)

TheSickness:

• Taste: Like lightly salted water
• Color: Like dehydrated Banshee piss
• Density: Lighter than- Hydrogen, Michael Jackson's post-mortem complexion, a really bright light bulb, a premature baby.
• Bottle Appearance: Like an old school sprite bottle that lived in Mexico for too long.

• Opinion:

This is a very light beer with a strange taste composed of lime and salt, which
is a receipe that should only be used for nachos and tequila shots with slutty
women you meet at a laundromat. This may not even contain alcohol. Strangely
enough, it was not too bad. There is no point to this beer, like a broken penis, any Steven Segal movie, ghetto white chicks or the Lifetime channel.

• Recommened for:

  The anxious, novice beer drinker, toddlers. Also, for fans of shitty cider.

Rating: 5.6

CHICK'S PICK

4

THE VERDICT:

This beer is definitely not your average tasting beer; in that it doesn't even seem like beer. It is heavily water-based, with only a small amount of salty lime flavor. Why anyone would like to drink water, lime and salt is beyond us. The only cool thing about this beer is the bottle. Miller Lite, this was NOT a good call, skip this one, fellas.

Shock Top

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Shock Top Belgian White
• Origin: US (MI)
• Type: Wheat Beer
  

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Silky smooth with a kick at the end- you taste the quality. It's like the James Brown of beer
• Color: Creamy cloudy yellow, like semen in tea. (Late Spoiler Alert: Nasty reference)
• Density: Just perfect; like our solar system
• Bottle Appearance: If I were an orange, I would look like the guy on the bottle
• Opinion:
  

  Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes! HELL YES, OHHH YEAHHH!!! FUCK!!!! This is Blue
  Moon's sexy twin sister. It's like Mary Kate and Ashley minus the eating
  disorders.

• Recommended for:
  

  Fans of Blue Moon.

  Final Score: 9.1
  

TheSickness:

• Taste: Tangy, like Tang. It's a kick in your ASS! (Minus the apes)
• Color: Cloudy pale gold
• Density: Medium to heavy
• Bottle Appearance: Hard core az fuhhh'! The dude with the mohawk and sunglasses clearly proves this beer is for businessmen
• Opinion:
  

  The beer has hardly any smell. It has a stale, non-offensive taste. Nothing
  really jumps at you and makes you shave your head and pierce your clitoris. It
  has a minimalistic taste that can be enjoyed by anyone.

• Recommended for:
  

  Novices, Christian conservatives who want to loosen up their bible belts.

Final Score: 6.9

CHICK'S PICK: 7

THE VERDICT:

This is definitely a good wheat beer. This is a beer you should drink if you want to seem extreme; dudes with mohawks on beer bottles don't play.

New Castle

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: New Castle Brown Ale
• Origin: UK
• Type: Ale

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Tastes like Heiniken's retarded sister
• Color: Mud-butt water
• Density: Very dense
• Bottle Appearance: Cheap-looking
• Opinion:
  

  Holy shit it's as if this beer had angry sex with a heineken and they had a
  beautiful athletic daughter that can whoop your ass if you disrespect her.
  It's a good brew with a strong taste that immediatly disappears at the end of
  the gulp. Will catch your heart if you give it a chance, like
  Rosy O'Donnell.

• Recommended for:
  
  

  Hercules. Or if you have to fuck a fat chick.

Final Score: 7.7

TheSickness:

• Taste: Smooth and tasteful
• Color: Dark brown
• Density: Medium to heavy
• Bottle Appearance: Like any cocky person, the bottle brags about how amazing it is and tells you random shit you don't care about.
• Opinion:
  
  

  Inscribed on the bottle are the words "The one and only", as most cocky people
  with their nose in the air, they don't realize their shit stinks, 'cause damn...
  This beer smells like a mixture of oregano and smelly feet. It tastes like a
  shitload of crushed plants bottled in rat poison. However, it is smooth to take
  down, if your taste buds aren't incinerated in the process. There's hardly any
  aftertaste (mostly because you have no tasting ability afterwards).

• Recommended for:
  
  

  Practical jokes, to make people think you've given them poison.

Final Score: 7.1

CHICK'S PICK:
4

THE VERDICT:
We're a little confused on this one. Not quite sure when it would be an ideal time to drink it. It's strong and smells awful, but it actually taste good. Although we haven't had it as a draft, we're confident that it would taste better than in a bottle. We figure that this beer is best for people with no olfactory function.

Special Contest!

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

While we are a somewhat new blog, we've been getting a steady stream of new readers. We're planning big things, and would like your help and creativity (assuming you have something worthwhile to offer). Our first order of business: a cool, somewhat professional catch phrase for our blog. This catch phrase will go on our business cards, as we try to expand our control on the blogosphere. So, to make this interesting we've made this a sort of competition. Here's how it works:

We will select the top three catch phrases.

• 3rd Place will win a stuffed teddy bear from November, 1986.
• 2nd Place will win an old shoe that we will personally steal from a homeless person.
• 1st Place will get to review a beer with us and get to be famous for a day. We will also allow you to buy us random shit and pay for our drinks at a bar of our choosing.

I've included a list of some of the stuff we've thought of, to help get you some ideas.

EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO THINK OF:

"Don't stop 'til you get enough (and then get some more)"

"Supporting domestic violence since 1988"

"... What happened?"

"Doing it for the children since 1988"

"The only thing more American than baseball and apple pie"

"WARNING: May cause anal leakage"

"Two in the pink, one in the stink"

"Reviews so good you'll wanna kick yo momma"

"Brews. News. Reviews."

"Now only 37% saturated fat!"

"Hops+Stops+Cops= DUI"

"BrewReviews for the whole family"

"Touching more lives than Catholic Priests"

Your suggestions are welcome in the comments or at my email, thesickness65@yahoo.com.

Redhook ESB

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Redhook ESB
• Origin: USA (NH)
• Type: Ale

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A bitter pleasant flavor that disappears after you swallow (hehe... swallow). Its coparable to toasted almonds or burnt incense
• Color: A gold amber color; the bubbles sit in perfect harmony afloat the top of the head (hehe... head...). Almost a light Bronze color (third place sucks but I would take this Bronze trophy beer any day at any time)
• Density: Semi-dense, like home made iced tea
• Bottle Appearance: A bad mix of non-eye-catching colors. The monkey shit yellow and menstrual red may turn you away but don't be fooled.
• Opinion:
  

  A good bitter beer with a curiously interesting taste. I'm serious: try this beer. Stop fucking reading and go buy the beer now before the world ends and family guy starts on Comedy Central.

• Recommended for:

Those who are bitter beer enthusiasts or had a previous bad experience with a
bitter beer and you want to witness the rebirth of bitter beers or
the second coming of Christ (hehe... coming).

• Final Score: 8.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Tasty, but slightly bitter
• Color: Like a beautiful blonde maiden
• Density: Sort-of thick
• Bottle Appearance: Pleasing, non-offensive colors with good use of adjectives "Liquid Goodness"
• Opinion:
  
  

  A good refreshing beer that has a distinct bitterness that leaves you
  questioning your reality. After a few sips, you start to ease into it. The more
  you get into it, the more it becomes enjoyable, until, finally, you reach your
  climax, much like anal sex. After you're done, there is an awkward silence and
  uncomfortable small talk. You then say to yourself that you will never try
  this again... but you know that you will.

• Recommended for:
  
  

  One night stands, people who want to enjoy a tasty ale.

• Final Score: 8.2
  

CHICK'S PICK:
6

THE VERDICT:

This beer is definitely an experience, one that you will undoubtedly question the morning after. It is a good beer, and it's sure to gain fans. It's your guilty pleasure, and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Mississippi Mud

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Mississippi Mud Black and Tan
• Origin: USA (LA)
• Type: Mix

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Very smooth yet I feel like I have sinned while doing it (I don't know why I said this.)
• Color: Coke-like dark
• Density: Exactly like Coke.
• Bottle Appearance: It makes me want to have sex with my sister and do crystal meth. It also makes me feel like the deputy of a small town with a population of 50 and a tooth count of 16.
• Opinion:
  

  Very good and smooth beer; it definitely was a shocker.

• Recommended for:
  

  Someone who wants an excuse to beat their wife or make a move on a family member
  OR if you want to suprise the shit out of your friends with a good beer in a
  very odd bottle.

Final Score: 8.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Strong, smooth, transparent taste.
• Color: Like old motor oil.
• Density: Thick
• Bottle Appearance: Cool ass mini-jug that was more than likely used to hold chemicals used to make crystal meth.
• Opinion:
  

  A cool refreshing dark beer, it was not at all what I expected. Initially, I
  thought my teeth would fall out and scream out "GIT 'ER DONE" while touching my
  cousin inappropriately. However, I'm still not sure if the methamphetamines will
  cause me to have hallucinations later. It's cheap, comes in a quart and will
  fuck you up. Nothing wrong with this one.

• Recommended for:
  

  White supremacists, Rascal Flatts, Uncle Kracker, Uncle Ben, Confederates.

Final Score: 8.0

CHICK'S PICK:

7

THE VERDICT:

This is a cool ass buy; a good beer with a bad-ass bottle that will probably impregnate your sister. This kick-ass beer is definitely something you want to have in deep supply in your fridge, car, locker, anus, etc. As Hispanics, we're not sure if we're still allowed to taste this beer. GIT 'ER DONEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Warsteiner Dunkel

GENERAL INFORMATION

Name: Warsteiner Dunkel Pilsner
Origin: Germany
Type: Pilsner

REVIEWS
TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: A slap to the face, talk about underestimating. Great solid taste. The only negative is the cardboard box aftertaste.
• Color: Patrick Ewing's sweat after the 4th quarter (pretty dark).
• Density: Pretty dense.
  Bottle Appearance: Shit, the bottle resembles an imported steak sauce bottle. Pretty much looks like anything but a beer.
• Opinion:

This is a good tasting beer for any drinking situation. It is also good to give
those old worn out boxes their cardboard smell back.

• Recommended for:

A person who can appreciate a good dark beer.

Final Score: 7.0

TheSickness:

• Taste: Curiously flavorful.
• Color: Dark, Dr. Pepper-look.
• Density: Medium.
• Bottle Appearance: While the name sounds like a German tank, this bottle looks grim. The brown circle on the front looks like Hitler's anus. Also, an inscription on the bottle mentions something about invading Poland.
• Opinion:

It has a nice balance of roasted vs. hoppy taste; it is really smooth going down. The
bottle however, did not catch my attention at all. However, as a bonus, it
also provides for some quality burps. It poses a challenge to the taste buds.

Recommended for:

Dark beer enthusiasts and those curious about dark beers, as well as the
destroyers of the Berlin wall.

Final Score: 7.0

CHICK'S PICK
5.0

THE VERDICT
A suprisingly good dark beer that is sure to get fans. However, the bottle looks as interesting as Stephen Hawking eating dinner. As TheBraveLittleToaster initially said, "If you were window shopping for beer, this one would steer you away from the store; but don't be fooled it's very good."

The Introduction

Welcome ladies and... more ladies(?) to Beer Reviews MIA, where we save your liver the hassle

of trying out different beer before deciding which one is right for you. We are not experts, were not born in a brewery, and have no communication with Jesus. All we offer are unbiased reviews of one of the greatest inventions of all time; beer. 

Now, the breakdown of each post:

I. General Information

Each post will highlight a beer, including a picture and brief, general description based on "Name", "Origin" (Where it's from, kids) and "Type" (Ale, Lager, etc). 

II. Reviews

The genius of  the post, it contains information such as "Taste", "Color", "Density", and "Appearance", followed by our opinion, who we recommend it for, and a rating based on a 10-point scale. Like an organized, comprehensive piece of writing, each section is outlined below.

"Taste", "Color", "Density" and "Appearance" are all vague, ambiguous categories on purpose. We basically fill these in with our first impression, however ridiculous or absurd it may be (trust me, they WILL be ridiculous and absurd). Our opinion section is written as we drink the beer, as we have high-tech, state-of-the-art, ultra-modern notepads and pencils that we use to scribble notes. We scientifically analyze each sample, considering smell, smoothness, consistency and other bullshit scientific adjectives I can't bother to remember.

The rating scale is ranged from 1-10, with decimals allowed. What does this mean for you? Read on, fucker.

1-3 = A beer you should avoid. The lower the rating in this range, the more likely your organs are to explode. 

4-6 = A beer you'd buy if there is nothing else available, or if you wish to seem normal. A beer rated in this range won't set your balls on fire, but won't make you spontaneously ejaculate, either.

7-9 = This is one good motherfucking beer. This is the type of shit you go out of your way to buy, even if it means drastic action (punching nuns, denouncing your family, etc). This beer should only be enjoyed with loved ones and shall not be wasted by any means, as Jesus will cry. 

As you may have noticed, there is no explanation for a rating of '10', this is because a beer rated a 10 is inexplicable; holy, at best. You may have noticed that the descriptions and rating scale can also apply to women (I just noticed now, too). Which leads me to...

III. Chick's Pick

Used mainly as a mechanism to get chicks drunk, we ask a random female to try the subject beer and give it a rating, based on whatever the hell she wants. We're all for equality, and females should have an opinion too (Legal disclaimer). 

IV. The Verdict

The Final Word on the beer, considering all opinions and factors. This is what you should remember, the next time you're faced with a beer-selection crisis. 

That's all, people. Your comments and suggestions are welcome in the comment sections (as well as pictures, from our pretty female readers). 

Guinness Extra Stout

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Guinness Extra Stout
• Origin: Ireland
• Type: Stout Beer

REVIEWS

TheBraveLittleToaster:

• Taste: Strong
• Color: Dark, black, coffee-like
• Density: Medium
• Bottle Appearance: Inviting
• Opinion:

This is the type of beer you'd drink if you're the designated
driver because you don't want to overdo it. A real bonus on St. Patrick's day.

• Recommended for:

The Irish.

Final Score: 4.5

TheSickness:

• Taste: Strong first taste
• Color: Dark
• Density: Medium
• Bottle Appearance: Brown exterior with white accents; like Barack Obama
• Opinion:

This is a very concentrated beer with a strong, roasted flavor. It leaves a
tangy, bitter aftertaste comparable to coffee. This would go good with a heavy
dinner to make a good impression on a partner. Definitely something you don't
want to chug (unless you hate your liver).

• Recommended for:

The first date (rape)?

Final Score: 5.0

CHICK'S PICK

4.0

THE VERDICT

A strong beer with a distinct flavor, it is definitely not for the weak of heart (or small of penis).